nrhaziqah.: 2016

If there's something that I've learnt from the past year, I'd say that people can surprise you in so many different ways possible, especially those whom you'd never expect.

My 2016 was a little bit different than the past few years - a lot of things has changed if we were to compare it to the end of 2015. 2015 was full of sunshine and rainbows, 2016 otherwise. I started the year strong, landed myself an internship with one of the powerhouses of the hospitality industry, successfully graduated from my dream school, and gained a number of modeling offers for instastores. However, as the months went by, problems surfaced and it did change my whole perception of how I view things overall.

Transitioning from being a polytechnic student to a working adult sucks. School definitely missed this part out. I had problems coping with time for the first few months of working because I could not adapt to the new working life that I'm in right now. Working life is definitely so much different than internship. Back in Banyan Tree, they treated me like their own employee even though I was just an intern and there were lesser responsibilities compared to my other colleagues. Now, I am actually hired by a company and are their own staff. First two months into work were the toughest, by far. I had trouble managing time between myself, my family and friends. I'd always feel drained out by the end of the week because of my hectic work schedule and often I had to reschedule or cancel plans with friends. I felt incompetent because I didn't know what I was doing and had so much to learn from my colleagues who were way more talented than me.

During the back half of the year, I lost a couple of people whom I thought were my close friends. I wouldn't delve into much detail but long story short, we fought countless times and some people just decided that they'd prefer cutting ties with me than resolving the issues that we faced. I was honestly loss for words but hey, I wouldn't want to continue being their friend anymore after being called derogatory words. Definitely want to leave this behind in 2016 and never let it come back.

Indeed, every cloud has a silver lining. Thanks to this incident, I've began to realize the importance of the people in my life. I've kept my social circle small, but trustable. Why have lots of friends but know that they'll bitch about you when you're not around, when you can have the smallest number of friends but know that they've got your back always? Been down a couple of times this year but I believe I'm making small steps towards my goal and that's all that matters right now. As long as my family and friends are happy, I'm happy too.

I am really excited to see what 2017 has in store for me! I wouldn't say that 2016 has been a bad year for me, more like I had many downs but I'm thankful for all these experiences. Without them, I wouldn't be learning from my mistakes. Like they said, "time to grow the fuck up". Also hoping that 2017 will be the year that I actually have a warm and fuzzy connection to someone real cute, for real it's time to start dating haha.

I know I haven't been updating much on my blog, but fret not, I will always keep this blog even if I decide to stop blogging (which, please if I ever had this kind of thought, stop me from it) I'm pretty proud that I've been uploading videos on YouTube, just like what I wished for in the start of 2016. Hopefully next year, I'd be able to find time to do both blog and youtube and maybe reach a wider audience :-)

Wish you reading all the best for the coming year and a better one if this year sucked for you!

Happy new year, so long 2016 - you will not be missed.

With love,
Haz x

At some point of time, everyone will experience losing people they love.

Your world comes crashing down instantly. You don't feel like breathing anymore. All hope you used to have goes down the drain. You just find yourself in a deep, dark tunnel. Nothing is ever it seems now. Your emotions goes haywire and your judgement gets clouded. You grasp tightly the memories and moments you shared with this person, but that's all you have left. Someone who used to occupy a fraction of your heart now doesn't even exist. Life feels incomplete without them in the picture & you often find yourself seeking solace in crying.

Couple months back, I felt like this. Hopeless, worthless & vulnerable. I made the decision to cut off ties with someone because it was for the best for the both of us. I kept questioning myself if it was the right call to do, and I contemplated for weeks. My whole world shattered and I thought I wasn't able to bring myself up again. I used to share so many things with this person - shared dreams, hopes and aspirations for the future - and to know that this person wouldn't be experiencing it with me sucks a lot.

It wasn't easy going through that kind of traumatic experience. On some nights, I find myself reminiscing the fun times we used to share but then I pushed all of it away because sadly, the bad times outweighed the good times. Sadness overwhelmed me but I didn't want to feel like that anymore. I didn't want to be treated poorly anymore and I knew I needed to do something for myself.

So then, I began reminding myself that everything happens for a reason and I needed to accept the fact that things went this way. I also told myself that better things will come my way - we lose something, we gain something better in return. If losing someone meant being shown something else, then why not? Most days, it's easy to feel okay but sometimes, you can't help but feel a little bit down for a while.

My point being - time heals everything. Take lots of time, rediscover yourself and plan time wisely now. It's never easy to recover from something like this but eventually, we'll be alright. It's completely okay to feel sad once in a while because everyone deserves the right to feel.

You must also remember to stay positive despite the downhill of events. Surround yourself with nothing but positivism. If flowers make you happy, get a whole bouquet for yourself and fill your room up with those beautiful flowers. If surrounding yourself with your best friends make you happy, talk and meet up with them, spend more time with them. Do whatever that makes you happy because ultimately, your own happiness should be your top priority.

Last but not least, always remember that you're never alone and there's always someone out there who is experiencing the same situation as you.

I'm trying every single day to be a better person and to discover myself again. Adulthood just started and I still have a long way to go, god willing. I hope to widen my horizons, live my dreams and do things that I didn't have the guts to do so before.

I felt like I needed to write this all out because 1) I know there are hurting hearts out there, mine included, 2) I needed closure for myself and writing it all out helps me in some way.

Till the next time.
With love x

Hello lovelies.
I'm so happy to say that I've finally graduated from my dream school last Tuesday!
The whole day was surreal, and I still can't believe that I actually made it through for three whole years. Graduation day was amazing, yet bittersweet.

Rewind back to last Tuesday:
My graduation ceremony was held in the auditorium, and guests had to be seated at 8:45am. At that point, my bodyclock was starting to get used to the "post-work hibernation" period and I thought I'd be having trouble waking up the next morning. But the night before graduation, I couldn't sleep a wink because I had so many thoughts inside my head, like "Will I fall on stage?" "It's my last time meeting all of my friends before we really go our separate ways" "It's going to be so hot after grad" "Will I cry during grad" and so on. I woke up earlier than my alarm clock and hurried up so that I could get ready earlier than usual. Both Mama and Abah were attending my graduation and they were getting ready too. I was pretty bummed that my sister couldn't attend my graduation ceremony because she had her midyears :-( We thought of taking the train to school but my dad fell sick a few days ago and was still feeling feverish, so we took a cab instead.

At this point, I was already so nervous I could pee in my skirt (kidding, but you get the level of intensity right) and all I wanted to do was meet my friends. There was a slight traffic jam, but thankfully we arrived just on time. My parents made their way to the auditorium while I hung out with my friends outside before registering. After this everything became a blur because so many things were happening at the same time and I just couldn't focus hahhaa.

Fate is when you realise that you get to be seated with your best friends on the very last day of school. Seriously, we could have been thrown at very opposite ends of the room but what better way to celebrate the most beautiful day with none other than them....

Fun fact: on the very first day of school, we sat beside each other too, but we weren't close enough so we didn't talk lololol

Us realising that we don't have graduation hats so as top Information Technology students, we made use of technology to its fullest to bring us joy.

Honestly, the three of us were planning on doing something on stage BUT we didn't have the balls because the emcee already warned the graduants not to do anything stupid because it was a formal event. Our initial/512571287931093921th plan was: me airkissing nini, nini winking/hairflipping and nina throwing hearts on stage. But we just abandoned the plan because no one before us did anything outrageous.

So many other things happened but I will spare you all the details because I myself don't remember half the things that happened. And trust me, I was completely sane, I was just too overwhelmed with the love I received on grad day.

Going up on stage, I realised that both my parents were able to see me grace the stage and accept the diploma cert. I was so thankful that both of them were able to attend it, especially my dad. My dad was a heavy smoker, and he had been smoking since he was 13-14? I remember back in primary 1, would always go to the convenience store along with my dad and sister, and he would always buy us whatever tidbits we wanted and he'd buy a pack of cigarettes too. That time, I didn't like that he was smoking but I couldn't say anything because I was scared that he might scold me. But one fateful night, he decided to stop smoking. It was difficult at first, but Alhamdulillah he managed to cut away all the cigarettes. Now, I'm pretty sure it's been more than 10 years since that. I asked him what his motivation was, and he said "I want to be able to see my daughters graduate with diplomas, or even degrees." Fast forward ten years later, I finally did it :-)

(and yes, my dad was tearing up. I almost teared up too but I held back my tears)

I wouldn't have done it without my parents, really. I screwed up my PSLE and I wanted to prove my parents that it won't be the same for my O's. I went home crying after receiving my O Level results, cried because I am able to enter any school I want and also the school of my dreams, Singapore Polytechnic. They were there to see me grow from the shy little year one kid, to whatever I became now and I'm just really glad that they were there throughout. I can go on and on but I'm sure this post wouldn't be enough to thank them.

My sister played such an important role too, she was there the entire time to hear me out whenever I have problems and she's always there to annoy me whenever I have to do last minute assignments. But most importantly, she was there to motivate me with her cute drawings or cute handwritten notes and also for me to continuously do my best at school because I want her to look up to me, just like how I look up to her.

I wouldn't have survived school without my friends. Sure, I've made a lot of friends over the past three years and not all of them stayed, but it's okay, part and parcel of life. I always look forward to going to school because of them: Nina, Nini, Kailee, Jun, Kuna and Alex. They are like the older brothers and sisters that I never had. In the group, I like to think that I'm the youngest and they'd bully me (lovingly of course). All the times we spent in school together were amazing and I'm glad that we all got along really well.

I wouldn't have survived school without my lovely best friends: nurina, nad and sajidah. Truth be told, we weren't always there for each other during the first year but we found our way back together. They make the best listening ears because they know how I am and know how things were. It's great that all of us feel that way towards each other. I'm also thankful that Farhana and Nabilah were there throughout our three years. Them coming down to my graduation means the whole world to me. All of us have our own busy schedules and for them to set aside a few hours to celebrate it with me on my biggest day means something.

It's been one week since graduation and I still can't help but think about the great things that happened and how my school life ended like that. For now, I suppose. I'm lying if I said I'm not scared about the real world because that's all I think about. But I'm sure that if I have the right mindset, everything will fall into place - good things, bad things, all of them. There were a lot of ups and downs throughout these three/four years, but I have nothing to worry anymore. I have my family, friends and myself. I just hope and pray that whatever I might do the next few years will be frutiful.

Now, I'm an unemployed 19-year-old making life decisions that will determine the rest of my life.

Oh oh.

With love, Haz

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