nrhaziqah.: 2021

Hello lovelies, back with my yearly goodbye post. It took me a year to find out that I didn't publish last year's goodbye 2020 post....what even.

Anyway, I feel like every single time I sit down to type out my yearly recap, I can't seem to get over the fact that the year sucks. Funny enough, I feel like I've stepped out of my comfort zone the most this year and managed to push myself through depths that I didn't think was possible for myself. The pandemic definitely proved everyone that it's not disappearing anytime soon and it's time for everyone to live alongside it – no matter how shitty – so why not just continue life as per normal?

I finally gotten my driver's license, spent another year with my man, bade farewell to my previous job that I loved so deeply, landed a job in one of the most prestigious universities in the world, had a drastic change to my hairstyle and chopped off my luscious locks for a much shorter style, added more earrings to my ears (if you know what i mean) and finally gathered all my courage and savings to start my own business (massive dream of mine tbh).

At the same time, I had many losses this year too. Lost my best friend, lost other long-term friendships, lost my way and most importantly, I felt like I lost myself. I spent too much time thinking about what other people feel about myself vs prioritising how I feel. I find myself trying to please people to the point where they don't seem to think I'm important (which is definitely a hard pill to swallow). The state of my health hasn't been doing great as well but I'm learning to find ways on how to cope with my problems.

I hated the way my friendships ended because I believed I wasn't able to explain myself before awkwardly having to leave conversations and was forced to move on that way. It sucks looking at how happy they are now when I'm feeling absolutely shitty.

This also serves as a little PSA - I'm very honoured that people still react to whatever I tweet/post (although I feel that I've been quiet for a while) Please know that I don't come online to leave indirect messages online. I am always tweeting/posting general stuff so please don't go out of your way to pick apart and misconstrue my posts. If you think otherwise, just reach out to me and you'll get your explanation. I barely make time for myself so it wouldn't make any sense for me to keep tabs on people who are no longer in my life anymore. (v.pagro but this will be the last time I'm bringing this to light.)

Onward to much better things.

I always tell myself during my yearly recaps that the best time to realign my goals and priorities is definitely after the end of the year/start of new year. With that said, I would love to keep all the tragedies that happened this year, have a much more positive outlook in life and start fresh. I hope that I'll be able to set aside more time for self-care, allow myself more chances instead of constantly hammering myself down, probably go on more social media cleanses, and be more adventurous when it comes to trying new things.

Anyway, if this year wasn't the year for you, welcome to the club. I'm wishing that 2022 will bring more happiness, health, wealth for you and may you make memorable experiences for yourself. And hopefully this nightmare of a pandemic will be over before we know it.

With so much love,

Haziqah.

please bare with me as I vomit out my thoughts here.

Hi lovelies, it's been a while.

I'm always appearing here whenever my life is in shambles and I can't find another coping mechanism. I really hate being in a slump I swear, but every few weeks just when I feel like I made a step forward, something pushes me 5 steps back and I see myself falling back again and again.

To be completely honest, I haven't felt like myself in years and I've had this feeling for quite some time already. I'm dealing with a lot of problems that I can't seem to fix myself or can't seem to share to any Tom, Dick or Harry and truthfully, it's been affecting me really bad. I even contemplated talking to professionals but the fees were just too exorbitant and I figured that money could have been better utilised somewhere else. Hence, the depletion in the self-care and mental health department.

Everyday's the same old routine and I don't have the power to change or alter it. Most days I feel like I'm disconnected from the outside world and I use social media to connect virtually but god, social media, I love you but I hate you at the same time.

Over the past couple of years, I've come to realise that I'm not appreciated for my efforts and I've also become someone who's pretty forgettable. Honestly I am not asking for standing ovations but just basic courtesy, respect and decency. Anyhoo, I've been told to forget about the past, also discounting the fact that I was hurt by these encounters, but I guess it's okay it's not valid.

I'm still quite thankful that even with everything that I have to go through alone, I do have a small support system – be it to distract me from my problems, be my listening ear, feed me with good food and boost my morale. I just want to end this off by saying that I know today's been a tough day for me (hence all this jumbled up thoughts) but I'm hoping for better days. (tl;dr: it's been a mentally, physically and emotionally tiring day for me and I've bottled up my feelings too much. I am feeling better now.)

Bye.

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