Hello lovelies.
August hasn't been the best month at all. In fact, I believe that August will have to be the worst month ever in 2017. Too many things happened this month and I can't wrap my thoughts knowing that all these events happened in less than 20 days. I'm honestly just counting down to the end of August.
For starters, my grandmother was admitted to the hospital late July. She kept saying that her back hurts and she couldn't walk properly. It took her a week of constant persuasion from everyone in the house. We had to call my uncle as the last straw and finally she agreed to visit the hospital. Doctors made their rounds and they informed our family of my grandmother's condition. Safely said, she was diagnosed with an incurable disease and we were to prepare ourselves mentally.
There we were, day in day out, accompanying my grandmother while she was in her ward. She was brought to four different wards. Every day after work I'll always stop by the hospital to visit her and ask her about her day - along with my family, cousins, uncle and aunt too. The only time I meet my cousins were on special occasions like Hari Raya, so to be meeting them almost every day made me really happy. I'm sure they felt the same way too. We haven't spent enough time with each other, so it was more than enough even if our meetups were in the hospital.
Day by day, my grandmother's condition worsened. It sucked so bad because all we could do were assure her that she was strong enough to fight the problem. But there can only be so much strength to fight the pain. I saw the subtle but noticeable changes on my mum and uncle's faces - swollen and darkened eye bags, from the lack of sleep and the stress they got, and they were losing a lot of weight. I wasn't at work for two weeks straight, one week leave from work to settle down, one week mc haha.
We had three scares over the period of 17 days. Her children and grandchildren were there throughout these scares. Honestly I didn't cry much compared to my cousins and sister, probably because I knew at that time that she was strong enough to fight it. But when she started calling out everyone's names and her hopes and wishes for us, I lost it. My close friends know that I've been living with my maternal grandparents ever since I was born so I was pretty close to them, especially my late grandfather. I used to do everything with him and was even his company whenever he went out to meet his friends, went for errands or to his barber to have his hair cut.
I was only seven when my grandfather passed away, too young to know what happened to him and too scared of saying goodbye to him. I just knew that I'd never see him anymore and life would be different without him. From then on, we continued staying with my grandmother till the end. I wasn't her perfect grandchild - always being picked on about the littlest things but it's okay, I guess I was used to it already after a while. I haven't been loving to her these past few years, safely said I was hurt about stuff so I didn't really open up to her compared to before.
My only regret is that I should have forgotten about the petty stuff that happened and loved her even more. I'm glad she's not suffering anymore and she'll always be up there looking over us, along with my granddad. I have a habit of penning down my feelings after bad incidents because I feel like as long as I have yet to write about it, I haven't had the closure I need.
Not saying that this is closure for me but I've learn to accept the fact that she is gone and life still goes on. I guess we're all coping it in different ways.
Not to mention, I've been having bad days and I haven't been the best at expressing myself when these bad days happen. One thing I'm good at is sleeping the feeling off, hoping that the pain will go away overnight. Been doing that often but I think it isn't effective anymore haha.
All I wish is for things to get back to normal, slowly but surely, and for more better days for me and my loved ones.
lots of hugs (because I need it)
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